Feeling shame again - 'Unemployment'

To mark the World Day of Social Justice, a Write to Life member shares a powerful piece about the challenges facing many asylum seekers in the United Kingdom.

When I sit on my bed every day I think a lot, and tears start flowing down my cheeks as I ask myself how on earth am I just doing nothing? I wake up at midday, or at two in the afternoon, when others have gone to work and are earning something for a living.

I always blame myself. Maybe it is my fault. How can I keep depending, begging or borrowing when I could do some job to earn something for a living? I can't buy anything out of my own work, only through begging, and sometimes I feel ashamed of myself, calling a friend to give me some stuff or give me some money, so I can buy something, or pay a fare. What a life I am living.  A human being who so wants to do a job and look after myself.

I can't buy anything out of my own work, only through begging, and sometimes I feel ashamed of myself, calling a friend to give me some stuff or give me some money, so I can buy something, or pay a fare.

Last week I lost my small purse which had £50 in it. My friend had just given it to me, and when I called to tell her what had happened she just told me to go and look for a job. She's working. I told her I didn't know how my purse had disappeared from my pocket, but I asked her to forgive me for being a beggar. If I were allowed to work I wouldn't be begging from anyone.  I know my friends are fed up, but I am also fed up with begging from people and looking like a fool because I am unemployed.

When I reached home tears started falling again. I felt: why can't I end my useless life?

I always feel inferior, thinking maybe I'm not supposed to be with my friends. When they invite me to go out my heart starts pounding and I start sweating, thinking if I go out with them and they ask everyone to contribute towards the food or drinks I shall feel I'm the only one who can't, and people will start looking at each other, and I shall feel so out of place.

I always feel inferior, thinking maybe I'm not supposed to be with my friends. When they invite me to go out my heart starts pounding and I start sweating, thinking if I go out with them and they ask everyone to contribute towards the food or drinks

We have planned a trip to Coventry but we are supposed to contribute towards food and transport and I want to go but because I'm not working, and all my friends are working, I ask myself: where can I get my contribution? So I can join everyone for that one trip at least?  That would be a memorable time for me, since I cannot travel like them.

When you are unemployed you don't fit in anywhere.

Though rehabilitation can take years, many of the people we work with do move on from their experiences and successfully begin a new life in the UK. Some former clients also seek to use their experience to raise public awareness and influence decision makers about torture and its impact. 

Through Survivor Activism, we promote survivor-led interventions in public spaces, and policy debates about torture and the rights of survivors of torture as a means of ensuring that they're real, and not perceived, and priorities and needs are taken into account. Click here to Read More about Survivor Activism.

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